Mystery Meat
by WiiFan2009
Summary: My first attempt at a Danny Phantom episode novelization.  Reviews greatly appreciated!


Mystery Meat

"So, Danny, you and your friends wanna hunt ghosts…" Jack began enthusiastically as the three friends sat facing him.

"Actually, dad, I wanna be an astronaut" Danny corrected his father. An astronaut was what he wanted to be since he was five years old, but it was just like his father to assume everyone wanted to hunt ghosts like he did.

Danny wasn't alone in his dislike for ghost hunting; Sam then spoke "Sorry Mr. Fenton; I was into ghosts, but they're so mainstream now; they're like cell phones."

In fact, all three friends shared the same sentiment about Jack's occupation, which was evidenced when Tucker said "Waste these looks and this charisma hunting ghosts? Criminal." Sam and Danny both rolled their eyes; Tucker always thought of himself as charming and irresistible, despite the fact that he was nowhere near the A-List.

Jack of course, being completely oblivious to their complaints, continued "Well, if you do wanna hunt ghosts, there are a few things you need to learn."

As Jack sifted through his beakers looking for equipment, the three teens sat bored, when a blue mist escaped Danny's mouth. "Oh no…" he moaned dreadfully. "This can't be good." It was then that the portal opened and released two octopi-looking ghosts, which then proceeded to wrap their tentacles around Tucker and Sam.

Completely oblivious to the fact that two ghosts were in his own home, Jack continued "True, I've never seen a ghost, but when I do I'll be ready. And so will you, whether you want to be or not."

Meanwhile, Danny watched in horror as the ghosts held his two friends captive. Danny then made the decision to take action; in a ring of white light, he transformed and proceeded to pummel the two intruding ghosts and release Sam and Tucker from their clutches.

Jack meanwhile was completely oblivious to the action behind him and continued "It all starts with your equipment." The instant Sam and Tucker fell back into their chairs, Jack turned around and introduced enthusiastically "Sam, Tucker, this is the Fenton Thermos. It's supposed to trap ghosts. But since it doesn't work, it's just a thermos with the word FENTON in front of it." Meanwhile, Danny had just finished pummeling the ghosts who, realizing they were outmatched fled back into the portal which promptly shut. Danny then proceeded to transform back to normal and went back to his seat, panting from exhaustion. Then Jack continued lecturing, pointing to the portal "And that is the Fenton Portal. It releases ghosts into our world whether I want it to or not. And someday, I'll figure that out too." Jack then ended "Now, who wants to hunt some ghosts?" He looked at the three teens whom were shivering and panting from fear and exhaustion. Jack of course mistook it for excitement, and went on about his younger days and how he wanted a pony.

The next day, Danny's mom, Maddie, grabbed a welding torch and worked diligently on a gadget that she invented. Danny was paying no attention and eating his cereal while his sister Jazz was trying to read a psychology book, keyword being TRYING. Jazz eventually glared at her mother due to the sparks flying from the welding torch. As Danny was about to take another bite, his right arm went intangible and the spoon fell back into the bowl. Danny looked around, confused, antil he saw that his right arm went invisible and shrieked in surprise. He then quickly hid his arm under the table so nobody would notice. Completely oblivious to what was going on, Maddie looked up from her invention and announced "There; two more days, and it's done!"

Jack then looked over and asked gleefully "What did you say; it's done? The Fenton Finder is done!" After a moment or two, he continued "This baby uses satellites to track down the ghosts!"

Danny gulped in fear and asked nervously "Uhh…it uses what to track what?"

Before anyone could respond, the new invention spoke "Welcome to the Fenton Finder…ghost detected…please walk forward." Danny then stepped back in nervousness as his parents walked forward until he hit the counter and could go no further. Danny then gave an awkward smile as the Fenton Finder announced "Ghost located…thank you for using the Fenton Finder."

Jack and Maddie had baffled expressions on their faces as they tried ot figure out why it locked on to Danny. Finally Jack yelled "What? That can't be right."

For a split second, Danny's whole body turned intangible, then flashed back to normal before his parents saw. He then decided to come clean and started "Actually, I need ot tell you guys something…"

But before he could continue, Jazz closed her psychology book and interrupted "That's not all you need, Danny." She then proceeded to step between Jack and Maddie and Danny and continued "You need guidance, and parents who can provide it."

Maddie then started "Sweetie, I know what we do doesn't make sense sometimes, but you're only…"

Jazz then interrupted "Sixteen…biologically. But psychologically, I'm an adult, and I will not allow your insane obsession with ghosts to pollute the mind of this impressionable little child." She then hugged Danny and finished "Come, you abused, unwanted wretch; I'll drive you to school." Jazz then proceeded to march Danny out of the house and to school.

"Huh, that's weird; Jazz never offers to drive Danny to school" Maddie pondered.

Jack then hastily concluded "That can only mean one thing; that's not our daughter; that's a ghost!" He then ran out of the kitchen and yelled "Danny no, it's a trap!" Maddie proceeded to run after her husband.

Danny, Sam, and Tucker proceeded to walk through the halls of Casper High to their next class. As they walked up the stairs, Danny said "I really should tell them."

"Why?" Sam asked incredulously. "Parents don't listen. Even worse, they don't understand." She then yelled "Why can't they accept me for who I am?"

Danny then dragged her back to the topic by saying "Sam, I'm talking about my powers, my problems?"

"Oh, right, me too…" Sam mumbled.

Danny continued worriedly "It's been a month since the accident and I still barely have aany control. If someone catches me, I go from geek to freak around here!"

Unbeknownst to Danny, he began to sink through the floor, due to his lower half becoming intangible. "Kind of like what you're doing now?" Tucker pointed out.

Danny then looked down and shrieked as Sam and Tucker pulled him back to ground level. "Darnit!" Danny yelled. He then proceeded to rant "If my dad could invent something that accidently turned me half-ghost, why can't he invent something that turns me back to normal?"

As he finished his rant, Danny turned intangible and walked right through a vending machine. Sam then ran and comforted him "Danny, your powers make you unique. Unique is good; that's why I'm an ultra-recyclo-vegetarian!"

"Which means what?" Tucker asked as he caught up with the duo, completely lost.

"She doesn't eat anything with a face on it" Danny explained.

"Ah, who cares about that stuff?" Tucker dismissed. "Danny, two words; Meat connoisseur!" Tucker then sniffed Danny and announced "Last night, you had Sloppy Joes."

"Impressive" Danny admitted; Tucker's sense of smell was impressive.

"Meat heightens the senses, and my all-meat streak is fourteen years long" Tucker explained with pride.

"And it's about to end…" Sam said with just as much pride. She explained "The school board finally agreed to try a new cafeteria menu. I wore them down."

"Wait?" Tucker asked nervously. "What did you do?"

Danny and Tucker stood in line while waiting for their lunch. Finally, the cafeteria lady handed them what consisted of a mini-field of grass on top of a slice of bread. "What is this?" Danny asked incredulously. "Grass on a bun?"

When they got to their table, Tucker cried out "What have you done?"

Sam just held up her lunch and said "Tucker, it's time for a change!"

Meanwhile at Danny's house, a ghost that looked like an old lunch lady walked out of the portal and announced eerily "Ooh, someone changed the menu." She then proceeded to float away.

Jack and Maddie were working on another invention when Maddie spoke "Maybe this is a bad idea."

"No, it's perfect; when Jazz gets home, we suck the ghost out of her with the Fenton Extractor" Jack dismissed as he held up a vacuum cleaner.

"But what if Jazz isn't a ghost; what if we accidently hurt her?" Maddie voiced; she didn't want to hert her own children.

"Maddie, the Fenton Extractor doesn't hurt humans" Jack assured her, and continued "Unless it gets in your hair." He then demonstrated, screaming as the vacuum pulled his hair out of his head. "See?"

Danny stared at his lunch and asked "Don't you think this is a little extreme, Sam?"

Before Sam could answer, the vice-principal Mr. Lancer walked up and said to Sam "Ah, Miss Manson, the school board wanted me to personally thank you for ushering in this welcoming experiment to our cafeteria."

Tucker then sniffed and murmured "Meat…near…"

He then looked at Lancer who assured "No, no, the rumors of the new all-steak buffet in the teacher's lounge are completely untrue." Facing Sam, Lancer said "Thanks again" and left.

Tucker then said sarcastically "Yeah, thanks again for making us eat garbage, Sam."

"It's not garbage" Sam defended. "It's recyclable, organic matter!"

"It's garbage" Tucker and Danny argued.

Later, a blue mist escaped from Danny's mouth and he said quietly "Uhh guys, I've got a problem…"

"FENTON!" came a distant yell as Danny was hit by mud.

"Make that two problems" Danny corrected as Dash Baxter walked up to him.

Dash then ranted "I ordered 3 mud pies…you know what they gave me? Three…mud…pies…with mud, from the ground! All because of your girlfriend!"

"She's not my girlfriend!" Danny retorted.

"I'm not his girlfriend!" Sam agreed.

Dash ignored them and grabbed Danny by the shirt. "These are the best years of my life! After high school it's all downhill for me. How am I supposed to enjoy my glory days eating mud?" Dash yelled.

"Actually, it's topsoil" Sam corrected.

Dash threw Danny away and said "WHATEVER!" He then handed Danny his lunch and said "Eat it. All of it."

A blue mist then escaped from Danny's mouth as he saw the lunch ghost in the kitchen. Trying to get away, he murmured "Umm…umm…" and then he yelled "GARBAGE FIGHT!"

It wasn't long before everyone started throwing their lunch. Sam wasn't happy and yelled "It's not garbage, it's…" but before she could continue ranting, Danny pulled Sam under the table and te trio crawled towards the kitchen.

However, before he could leave, Dash yelled "You're gonna pay for this, Fenton" who was then hit by mud.

"Oh great" Danny groaned. "I'm still his favorite."

When the two made their way into the kitchen, they saw the ghost floating around inspecting the kitchen. "She doesn't look so bad; she looks like my grandma."

"Shouldn't she be haunting a bingo hall?" Danny commented.

She then noticed the three kids and said sweetly "Hello children, can you help me? Today's lunch is meat loaf, but I can't find the meat loaf. Did someone change the menu?"

"Yeah, she did." Tucker instantly responded while pointing at Sam.

The ghost's expression instantly turned to one of rage as she yelled "You changed the menu? The menu has been the same for 50 years!"

"Get behind me" Danny commanded, and Tucker and Sam obeyed.

"Wow, I feel safe" Sam said sarcastically.

Danny then yelled "I'm going ghost!" When he finished, two rings started at his center and traveled up and down his body, changing his clothes to a black and white jumpsuit, his eyes from blue to greed, and his hair from black to white. "I…command you to…go away" Danny yelled meekly when he flew up to face the ghost. The lunch ghost them proceeded to launch plates at Danny, who turned intangible to avoid them. However, the ghost then proceeded to launch them at Sam and Tucker, but Danny managed to catch them all in his hands and set them back on the counter. He then reflected "Well if this superhero thing doesn't work out, I can have an exciting career as a busboy."

The ghost just stared at them in anger and ranted "I control lunch. Lunch is sacred, lunch has rules!" Her expression then turned back to sweet and she asked "Anybody want cake?" Sam and Tucker quietly nodded and the ghost's expression turned back to rage as she yelled "Too bad; children who change my menu don't get dessert!" She then made the ovens spit fire at Sam and Tucker who dodged out of the way. However, when the ovens tried to ram into them, Danny used his intangibility powers to phase Tucker and Sam through the wall.

Danny looked around to see that they landed in the hallway. "Hey, it worked!" he shouted in amazement.

Sam, however, was not happy; she ranted "THIS is the thanks I get for thinking like an individual?"

Before she could continue, the ghost appeared again and used her powers to summon all the meat in the building. Tucker sniffed and murmured "Steak, medium rare!" He then wondered "But…where did it come from?" The answer then hit him "Lancer!"

In the teacher's lounge, Lancer announced "Esteemed Casper High faculty, I present your all-steak buffet!" However, when he pulled the sheet off, the faculty gasped that there was nothing but a bone left from a piece of meat. Lancer then screamed "Paradise…LOST!"

The lunch ghost then pointed its finger at Sam and yelled "Prepare to learn why meat is the most powerful of the five food groups!" Her expression then changed to sweet and she asked "Cookie?" Sam shook her head and the Lunch ghost yelled "Then perish!"

Danny then rushed between the two and yelled "Forget it! The only thing that has an expiration date here is you!" However, Danny then transformed back to human form. "Oops," he said meekly. "I din't mean to do that." The ghost then slammed Danny on the wall, grabbed Sam, and retreated to the basement.

As she was carried away, Tucker yelled to Danny "Come, on, change back; we gotta go!"

Before Danny could respond, Mr. Lancer grabbed the duo and yelled "You two aren't going anywhere!"

"Told you you'd pay, Fenton" Dash said smugly as he stared at Danny.

The two of them ended up in Mr. Lancer's office as he went over their permanent records. "Tucker Foley; Chronic tardiness, repeated loitering by the girl's locker room." At this, Tucker cracked a grin. Lancer then proceeded "Daniel Fenton; 34 dropped beakers in the last month, banned for life from handling all fragile school property, but no severe mischief before today." He then put the files down and said "So, gentlemen, why don't you tell me" at this, Lancer began to yell "why the two of you conspired to destroy the school cafeteria?"

"Dash started it!" Danny defended. "He threw…"

"Four touchdown passes in the last game and is hereby exempt from scorn" Lancer interrupted. "You two, however, are not. I will dole out your punishment when I return." On his way out, he turned to Dash and said "Mr. Baxter, watch the door." Dash smiled as he slammed the door.

Tucker stood up and said "We gotta find Sam. For some reason, I feel like I got her kidnapped."

"Maybe because you told the ghost she changed the menu" Danny pointed out.

Tucker then sniffed and declared "That steak is still in the building; 200 yards tops!"

Danny then looked at the security screens and said "Check it out; meat trail" as he saw a stream of fat in the basement. Danny then transformed, grabbed Tucker and phased to the basement.

However, Lancer came back through the door just after they left with a broom and calmly said "Gentlemen, your punishment will be…" he then saw that they were gone and yelled "WORSE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE!"

Tucker stared in amazement at all the meats and proclaimed "Sweet mother of mutton! I dreamed of it, but I never dreamt I'd see it!"

As Tucker hugged a box of meat, Danny wondered "How is it that I have the ghost powers and you're the weird kid?"

They then heard the ghost cackle and peered around to see Sam stuck in a pile of meat. "Child," the ghost started "meat is good for kids; it helps them grow and makes them smile. Why won't you eat it?"

"We don't need meat; that's fat" Sam answered.

The ghost then got angry and yelled "Silence! You need discipline, manners, respect! You know where that comes from? Meat!" Her face then changed to sweetness and she asked "Chicken, or fish?"

Danny said quietly to Tucker "I'll deal with the ghost. You just find a way to get Sam out of that pile of meat."

Tucker grabbed a fork and a knife and said "Way ahead of you." Danny then proceeded to punch the ghost, who flew into the opposite wall. Tucker meanwhile was cutting a piece of meat and said "I'l have you free in no time, Sam!"

"You've gotta be kidding me…" Sam replied.

Danny then proceeded to kick the ghost, but she caught his leg in her hand. She then yelled "Don't you see; this is why you need meat! You're skin and bones!" As he went flying, the ghost then launched shish kabobs at Danny, who used his powers to narrowly stretch out of the way. However, the ghost then summoned meats to transform into her super form and proceeded to throw Danny at the wall, who turned intangible to go through the wall.

She then roared at Sam and Tucker. "Run?" Tucker asked.

"Run" Sam agreed. They then ran away screaming. Danny then phased back into the room and used his powers to phase Sam and Tucker outside while the ghost crashed into the wall. "Gee, Danny. Fighting meat monsters, flying through walls, you must be exhausted" Sam commented.

"What?" Danny asked incredulously. "Of course not, what would give you that idea?" However, Danny soon gave in to fatigue as he fell back to Earth and transformed back into human form.

Meanwhile, Jazz had just gotten to an eerily quiet home. "Mom, Dad?" she called out. As she went inside, a smoke device went off and she was promptly tackled by her parents. By the time the smoke cleared, a cranky Jazz was seen, and her hair was being sucked into the vacuum cleaner. Realizing their plan had gone awry, Jack and Maddie let go of Jazz as she stormed off, murmuring "This is all going in the memoir."

Soon afterwards, Sam and Tucker opened the door, carrying an unconscious Danny. Hastily trying to come up with a cover-up story, Tucker said "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Fenton! What a school day; poor Danny nodded off. We decided we'd just carry him all the way home and tuck him into bed without any parental interaction whatsoever."

Playing along, Sam added hastily "Don't get up; we know where to go. Bye!"

Jack then had a thinking expression on his face, and Maddie responded "Jack, Danny is not a ghost."

His face then set into a glare as he set his eyes on Jazz who was trying to get her hair out of the vacuum and he said "You're right; Jazz is."

Later that evening, Danny woke up and, being unconscious for several hours, stuttered fearfully "What's going on?"

"You passed out; we took you home" Tucker explained. "You've been asleep for four days!"

"FOUR DAYS?" Danny exclaimed.

Tucker chuckled and replied "Nah; it's only been a couple of hours."

Sam glared at Tucker and scolded "Knock it off, Tucker; this is the second time today your carelessness almost got him killed!"

Tucker looked at Sam defiantly and retorted "Me? I almost got him killed? The only reason this happened is because you had to be unique, you had to take the meat away, and I'm gonna get it back!"

Tucker then stormed out of the room. Sam, being ever so prideful, retorted "You wanna change that menu back? Well you're gonna have to go through me to do it!"

Not a second after she stormed out and Danny said to nobody in particular "Well, I'm sure everything will be back to normal by tomorrow."

When Danny saw what was going on at school the next day, he corrected "Or not; maybe it'll be worse."

To his left, Tucker had set up a protest all about meat, with meat stands, barbeques, and even models in sausage costumes. Tucker then came out and yelled "What do we want?"

The crowd then yelled "MEAT!"

Tucker then responded "When do we want it?"

The crowd cheerfully responded "NOW!"

To Danny's right, Sam had organized a vegetarian protest, with peace hippies and a bus, with Sam chanting "Veggies now, veggies forever!"

As the two rivals walked up to Danny, he asked incredulously "You guys put together two protests in one night?"

Tucker replied "Meat eaters Danny; always ready to fight, and our high protein diet gives us the energy we need to do it quickly."

Sam then proudly stated "Ultra recycle vegetarians are always ready to protest, and since we don't have to waste time cooking our food, we can do it even faster!"

Trying to be the mediator between the two, Danny asked "Don't you think this is a little extreme?"

Refusing to compromise, Tucker stated "No choice, buddy. You're either with me…"

"Or you're against him" Sam finished and both yelled "SO WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON?"

Before Danny had the chance to respond, a great wind blew out of nowhere and the blue mist escaped from Danny's mouth. Then, the lunch ghost's cackle was heard, and various meats flew away from Tucker's display and reformed into the ghost's superform who yelled "IT'S LUNCH TIME!"

All the protestors then ran away from the scene and Tucker yelled "Meat; why have you betrayed me?"

"Guys, time to make up, NOW" Danny whispered. The two rivals then came to an agreement and gave Danny cover to transform.

Meanwhile Jazz was trying to work with a troubled teen on Psychology and said "Spike; you have to open up to your parents; be true to yourself and them. Tell them how you feel; I mean it's not like they're gonna attack you or anything."

Just then Jazz was caught in a net and dragged off by her father as he yelled "I got her, and the Fenton Grabber is working like a charm!"

Maddie, still skeptical, said "I don't understand; if Jazz is a ghost, why hasn't she phased through the net?"

Jazz then grabbed the net away and yelled "Because I'm not a ghost! You've ambushed me, suffocated me with smoke, and worse, I was pulled away from Spike before he had his breakthrough! What do you have to say for yourselves?"

Jack, still convinced that she was a ghost, yelled "Eat Fenton thermos, ghost gal" as he aimed the thermos at her, only for it to let out a weak spark. "Hm, darn thing still doesn't work."

Danny meanwhile was struggling to beat the lunch ghost; he fought with all his might, even managing to get her down for a second. "You know, he really is getting better" Tucker commented.

However, the ghost just punched him back with great force as he went flying. "I sure hope he can take a punch" Sam yelled.

He then recovered from the blow and entered the battle, during which he phased through an airplane twice, grabbing some water to refresh himself.

Jack, realizing he was wrong about Jazz, smiled and swore "I Jack Fenton hereby turn my back on ghosts."

Meanwhile, Danny struck a blow to the ghost, which caused the meat and him to go flying. The ghost then sincerely said "Oh dear, what a mess, are you okay?"

Danny struggled to stand and replied "Yeah, I think so."

The ghost then angrily retorted "Tough, because you being okay isn't part of my balanced diet of doom!"

She then summoned miniature meat monsters to attack Danny, which were easily defeated. However, they were brought back just as quickly and Danny reflected "Wasn't expecting that." Danny then transformed back to human and he corrected "Or that."

As the two sides continued battling, Jack continued "And this thermos can't catch ghosts because ghosts can't exist."

Jack then tossed the thermos away, which landed right on Danny's face. Seeing it as his chance to defeat the ghost, he exclaimed "The Fenton Thermos! But how am I gonna get it to work?" The monsters then dropped Danny who, after focusing for long enough, changed back into ghost form and phased through the ground, yelling "Thanks for the thermos!"

After seeing Danny, Jack, having forgotten his vow, yelled gleefully at Jazz "Ghost kid; I was right, you were wrong, ghosts exist, ha ha ha! I never doubted it for a second!" Then they were all hit by piles of meat.

Danny then phased back to the battle with the thermos in hand. Seeing the new weapon, the Lunch ghost yelled "No! Soup's not on today's menu!"

"I'm changing the Menu, PERMANENTLY" retorted Danny, then added in a meek voice "Please work."

He then uncapped the thermos which emitted a stream of blue swirling energy that absorbed the ghost as she screamed. Looking around, he then rushed over to help Sam and Tucker. Wondering what happened, Sam asked "Where's the ghost?"

Holding up the thermos, Danny simply replied "My parents have their moments."

Then he heard the droll voice of the Fenton Finder with his parents as it said "Ghost directly ahead; you would have to be some sort of moron to not notice the ghost."

Conflicted over whether or not to come clean, Danny finally decided "Sorry, Dad, you just missed him."

Convinced, Jack yelled "We've got a runner!" and he and Maddie ran off.

Jazz pouted and said "Great; back to square one…", walking off.

Tucker then walked up to Danny and asked "So, you're not gonna tell them?"

"Nah, I think I've finally realized what these powers are for." Danny replied. "They make me…"

Danny never finished as Lancer, still mad over yesterday, walked up and finished "In a world of trouble."

Later that night, Danny, Tucker, and Sam were cleaning up after the ghost's mess as their punishment. Lancer yelled "Manson, pick up that T-Bone!"

"With my hands?" Sam groaned.

Lancer then yelled "Foley, pick up that Turfwich!"

"With my hands?" Tucker groaned.

Lancer then walked off leaving Danny to continue cleaning and Dash to laugh at his misfortune. As payback, Danny used his powers to turn the dumpster filled with meat intangible, which made the meat fall on Dash. Dash then yelled "Fenton, a little help?"

Danny then replied "Whatever you say, Dash. Whatever you say."


End file.
